While pregnant I was absolutely pathetic, I was sick. I was tired. I was weak. I couldn’t eat. I had this parasite inside me stealing everything from me, every ounce of my being.
I don’t know what labor pain is like. What it feels like to push a life into the world with little energy from hours of delivery. But I do know what it is to look down at a little soul, sight alone doesn’t tell you he’s yours, but his smell, his sound his feel – you just KNOW. Know that you finally did something right, made something beautiful. You know what scares the shit out of me? That everyday I am in this house I risk my child. My heart and soul. Everything is put on the line at the word and actions of and 8 year old.
After all I’ve fought for, for me. All the work I’ve done here, for him. All the shit I’ve put up with.
I know better than anyone the ramifications of it all.
Is it why I’m the only one afraid?
(Written some time ago)